By Dorothy Mitchell
This is the story of my journey to wholehearted healing and connection.
The Setup. I grew up in a very small evangelical church with liberal leanings relative to the rest of the Church of Christ denomination. They embraced women as capable leaders, deacons, teachers, and servants within the church partly out of necessity because of their small population, but also out of general Bible study and local professional attitudes. The church denominational theology was organized around the cessationist premise that the gifts of the Holy Spirit ceased after the time of the first apostles. My congregation neither endorsed nor repudiated that belief directly, and I had no experience or knowledge that would cause me to question that premise or its effects.
Dorothy drinking from the old church fountain
Although the church hesitantly leaned in the direction of the Holy Spirit more and more as the years went on, the endeavor was of the cautious-blind leading the cautious-blind. We didn’t know that agreements in the spirit stick around until they are explicitly refuted or put down. We had very little grid for God’s heavenly kingdom and great fear of passion, mysticism, and the unknown.
Deep in my heart, I knew the spiritual world was real. I knew some people heard God and had a personal relationship with Jesus. Yet I could not seem to grasp it for myself. I grew increasingly disenchanted and frustrated with the evangelical world’s flat take on a seemingly one-sided relationship with a Jesus who could not talk back. Though I agreed in theory that such a relationship was crucial to my Christian walk, I could not make mine come alive, and no one seemed equipped to teach me how to make it bi-directional and real. Prayer felt very close to useless. But Holy Spirit had plans to guide me deeper.
The Commitment. I had always known I wanted to be baptized someday, but I felt I could not make the commitment in good conscience until I felt that I was willing to give my whole life to follow Jesus. One night I had a dream that I knew came from the Holy Spirit. I saw a white and purple flag featuring the dove of the Holy Spirit waving in my dream. In the dream, I was teaching some children about Jesus, who stood behind them. The children confronted me and asked me how I could teach them about him if I had not committed and was not baptized myself?
When I woke up, I knew it was time.
I felt nothing in particular during the baptism event, but Holy Spirit began to show me things. One time he even downloaded an entire parable to me. While I was applying to college, I would idly ask God where I would be in the future and I would receive faint glimpses in the blink of an eye. Later in the year, I recognized myself in those places he showed me. This brought me reassurance about my purpose and my destiny. I did not want to assume I knew where God wanted to send me. Eventually, I settled on Hope College in Michigan where I could pursue creative writing, art, and Japanese in an environment that encouraged its students to grow in their Christian walk.
Finally, finally, I would be allowed to nourish my passions with people who also wanted to be in school, with people as motivated as myself! I fully expected to flourish, but instead I attained accolades and success without thriving. I was frequently too anxious to enjoy my freedom. I made many acquaintances but struggled to make strong friendships, which came lowest on my priority scale. I felt chronically battered and exhausted. I realized I had absorbed toxic expectations and habits from twelve years of school that I did not know how to unlearn. I continued to do my work and enjoyed my classes, but outside of class I felt something was dreadfully wrong. I did not know how to live as a whole human being.
Have you also experienced such an existential crisis? Stay tuned for the conclusion of this story of hope.